2675 replies to this topic

[jaffar]

si mie mi s-a parut, dar tot gindul lui kenny mi-a trecut intii prin minte

[masterblaster]

acum am observat si eu ...dupa poza ar trebui sa aiba 6 degete http://www.garajul.r...tyle_emoticons/default/010.gif

[ska]

Doua broaste testoase bat un melc. Poc, zbuf! Broastele testoase pleaca si melcul ramane pe jos, tot lovit, cu cochilia sparta, batut mar. Trece un politist pe acolo si il intreaba pe melc: - Ce ai patit melcule? Melcul: - Nu stiu , ca totul s-a intamplat asa de repede...

[Aer Curat]

Ce nationalitate a avut Adam si Eva

Un englez, un francez, un chinez si un roman au o disputa in legatura cu nationalitatea lui Adam si Eva.

Englezul: - Ei au fost englezi. Numai un gentlemen adevarat poate oferi
jumatate din singurul mar doamnei sale!

Francezul : - Nu, ei au fost cu siguranta francezi - numai o frantuzoaica poate sa se ofere pentru numai jumatate de mar!

Chinezul : - Nu sunt de acord. Ei au fost cu siguranta chinezi deoarece numai unei perechi de chinezi le sta in putere sa populeze in asa timp scurt tot pamantul!

Romanul : - Nu, domnilor, gresiti cu totii, ei erau romani : stateau in fundul gol pe pietre, nu aveau decat un mar pe care trebuiau sa-l imparta intre ei, dar credeau ca sunt in rai!

[jaffar]

Doi disperati de net.
Primul: "Ba, ai vazut ce ninge afara?"
Al 2-lea: "Da-mi si mie linku"

[ska]

Mama, e adevarat ca pe mine m-a adus barza? - Da, comoara mea mica! E adevarat. - E adevarat ca Bunul Dumnezeu ne da painea cea de toate zilele? - E adevarat, puiule! - E adevarat ca Mos Craciun si Iepurasul ne aduc cadourile? - Da, dragul mamei. - Atunci, de ce il mai tinem pe trantorul de tata?

[jaffar]

pisici mai noi, mai vechi

[jaffar]

si inca una, restul vi le gasiti singuri

[masterblaster]

primul il vazusem.....m-am uitat intr-o seara la aproape tot ce era pe youtube (nu aveam ce face )

[Swiby]

Joke:
masterb, cred ca aia era o seara polara !

[DanCld]

Al doilea filmulet nu are absolut nimic hazliu. Pisica aia era de-a dreptul ingrozita de locul unde se afla iar temperamentul nu parea sa ii dea prea multe sanse in eventualitatea unei adoptii!

[LaScurt]

Din ciclul "suport tehnic":

Buna ziua!

Daca vreau sa copiez pe floppy un film, apas butonul "paste" si atunci
imi apare un text care-mi spune ca nu este loc destul pe floppy. Dupa
asta apas "paste shortcut", si astfel filmul deja incape. Problema este
atunci cind vreau sa vad filmul pe un alt calculator, fiind avertizata
ca nu gaseste filmul, totusi de pe calculatorul meu pot sa pornesc
filmul de pe floppy.

Care poate fi problema?

Multumesc,

Ixuleasca
----

Raspuns Hotline:

Stimata doamna!

In poseta dumneavoastra nu puteti baga o blana. Un biletel insa, pe care
e scris "blana se afla in dulap", incape lejer in poseta. Asadar daca
sinteti acasa si cititi biletelul "blana se afla in dulap", atunci sigur
o gasiti acolo. Situatia e nasoala atunci cind sinteti la prietena
dumneavoastra si cititi biletelul. In dulapul prietenei puteti cauta la
nesfirsit blana, nu o veti gasi niciodata.

Explicatie:

Poseta - floppy
Blana - filmul
Biletel - "shortcut"
Dulap - calculator
Molia din dulap - virus
Vecinul in dulap - hacker

[masterblaster]

@swiby am vrut sa spun aproape toate filmele cu pisici ...nu sunt chiar asa de multe pentru ca majoritatea se repeta

[jaffar]

ahahahahahaha !!!!!!!!!

http://www.avizier.r...rlan-53742.html

[ska]

Un pitic in autobuz, zice unei domnisoare:
- Te dai jos ?
- Da.
- Da' cu ce, ca miroase foarte frumos ?!

[oaspetele]

Un vanator in birt pune pariu pe bautura ca recunoaste orice animal daca-i trece mana prin blana si dupa urma de glont poate sa spuna cu ce arma a fost impuscat. E legat la ochi si i se aduce o blana:
- Urs impuscat cu arma calibru 7,4 cu teava dubla.
Primeste bautura si se aduce alta blana. Toata seara ghiceste fara greseala animale si arme, pana se imbata si pleaca acasa. Dimineta se trezeste cu un ochi vanat si-i spune nevestei:
- Stiu ca azi noapte m-am imbatat dar sunt sigur ca am venit acasa fara sa fiu batut.
- Pai te-ai culcat langa mine, ti-ai bagat mana in chilotii mei si ai zis: �Sconcs, omorat cu toporul�.

[ska]

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report: MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE, I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME.... I FALL OFF TREE. I NO SEE. NO FEE, CHEN LEE


noile chestionare, conform noului cod rutier...
http://shurl.org/chestionare

Aceasta postare a fost editata de ska: 10 februarie 2007 - 05:16

[masterblaster]

http://www.garajul.r...tyle_emoticons/default/010.gif genial bancu...si chestionaru http://www.garajul.r...tyle_emoticons/default/010.gif

[S600]

UHAAAAAAAAAAA


When Vin Diesel jumps in a lake he doesn’t get wet the water gets Vin.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel makes onions cry.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesal has no hair because it is to afraid of him to grow.

When Vin Diesel does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Vin Diesel is on first name basis with Mr-T.

Vin Diesel Does not sleep. He waits.

Vin Diesel can crack walnuts with his anus.

Remember, it takes forty-four muscles for Vin Diesel to smile, but only two to destroy an orphanage.

* Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
* If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
* There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.
* When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, & instead requests a hand gun & a bucket.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
* When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
* Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
* Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.
* Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
* Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
* Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
* When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
* Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
* Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
* When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
* Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
* Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, & the game beat itself out of fear.
* Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
* You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, & the tears of small children.
* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
* Vin Diesel never took an acting class. Instead, he believes every movie he makes is real life, & the camera's are just there to record his actions for future generations. These future generations will wonder if Vin Diesel was real, or an imaginary creation. Vin Diesel will then kill the future generation.
* When Vin Diesel thinks that his lungs are too black from cigarettes, he simply eats a pound of pure bleach. It usually works.10am, Vin Diesel’s mouth becomes a portal to Narnia. Plan accordingly.
* Rather than shave his head, Vin Diesel simply undergoes chemotherapy to remove his hair.
* There was actually no cast, crew, or sets for The Chronicles of Riddick. He ate film, crapped it, & it came to be.
* The Periodic Table is actually a listing of every element that Vin Diesel has ever consumed. Even Plutonium.
* Vin Diesel shaves his face with a vegetable peeler.
* Vin Diesel can touch MC Hammer.
* He is made up of smaller, slightly more British Vin Diesels.
* Vin Diesel was never actually born. After eight months of gestation, he carved his way out of his mother's womb with a rusty knife.
* Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out.
* Vin Diesel only bruises three things: apples, peaches, & bitches.
* If a Vin Diesel crosses your path it is bad luck unless you buy & toss a copy of "The Pacifier" over your shoulder.




Apropo...

There are actually three sides of the Force: The Light side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's sperm is so strong it can impregnate a man.

Its cool for Chuck Norris to have red pubic hair.



SI CEA MAI TAREEEEEEEEEEEEE

If you lost your virginity, chances are Chuck Norris has it.

Aceasta postare a fost editata de S600: 10 februarie 2007 - 06:57

[S600]

Top 100 Facts for Vin Diesel
Fact # of Votes Rating
Fact # of Votes Rating
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives." 502 8.215
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live. 88 8.193
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face. 86 8.186
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. 148 8.155
There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team. 245 8.110
Whenever Vin Diesel plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide. 105 8.076
Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. 136 8.059
Vin Diesel had a little lamb who's fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Vin Diesel went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it. 48 8.000
Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Vin Diesel made it his bitch. 108 7.954
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. 103 7.932
Vin Diesel takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Russel Crowe in one meal. 57 7.930
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 132 7.924
Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team. 77 7.896
Vin Diesel doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers. 75 7.893
When Vin Diesel put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it." 60 7.883
Vin Diesel's orgasm leaves an exit wound. 88 7.841
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. 131 7.840
Vin Diesel always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer. 85 7.824
Vin Diesel's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them. 44 7.818
The polular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back. 70 7.814
Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Pardon my French" after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.
67 7.806
Vin Diesel actually has hair, but it's beauty is too great for mortal men to behold. As such, he appears bald to all but the purest of heart. 59 7.797
Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it. 72 7.792
Vin Diesel can watch a season of "24" in just three hours. 65 7.785
Vin Diesel is the only one who can "try this at home." 110 7.773
Vin Diesel's daily schedule goes as follows:

- Ride dirt bike through flaming hoop and appear badass
- Do something badass
- Wake Up
- Eat something badass
- Nap
- Watch The Price is Right
- Say cool one liner
- Throw cigarette in slow motion into Gas-covered bad guy
- Sleep in pit of snakes 92 7.728
Santa Claus actually did exist until he forgot to give Vin Diesel the entire Hardy Boys collection series for Christmas.
44 7.727
Vin Diesel has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box. 61 7.721
Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off. 75 7.693
The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Vin Diesel, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly. 70 7.657
When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell. 99 7.646
Vin Diesel was scheduled to be Stalone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wearing a parachute when jumping from the plane. 55 7.636
Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood. 86 7.628
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood". 262 7.599
Vin Diesel impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round, 98 7.571
If you are within one mile of Vin Diesel and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always. 59 7.559
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won. 67 7.552
Vin Diesel once met Fabio on the street. Vin burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames. 51 7.549
On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. 72 7.528
Vin Diesel invented the spanish language because he liked the word "pantalones" and needed a language to use it in context. 73 7.521
The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Vin Diesel." 52 7.519
There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Vin Diesel. They owe him $5. 41 7.512
The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Vin Diesel. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Vin Diesel. 79 7.494
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach Vin Diesel to fish and he will rid the ocean of all perceivable life forms. 56 7.482
A few people can lift Thor's hammer, but Vin Diesel's the only one who can beat Thor's ass with it. 53 7.472
On the sixth day, God said, "let there never be Vin Diesel." On the seventh day, God was in the hospital. 50 7.460
All of Vin Diesel's genes are dominant. 90 7.456
Vin Diesel beat Ray Charles in a staring contest. 56 7.429
Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him. 70 7.400
The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Vin Diesel was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster. 45 7.400
When the girl from the ring climbed out of Vin's TV, he stood up, cleared his throat, stretched calmly, and booted her straight back in. 53 7.396
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give Vin Diesel a fish and he'll stuff it up your ass and skull-fuck your daughter. 111 7.387
As part of his morning routine, Vin Diesel stretches by defeating 20 armed ninjas that jump out of various household appliances. 59 7.373
Vin Diesel's blood type is WD-40 62 7.371
Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 58 7.362
The first Dungeons & Dragons card deck came to be when little Tommy Schmit found Vin Diesels misplaced photo album, "Things I Shouldn't Have Had Sex With in the Middle Ages." 67 7.343
If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel. 56 7.339
Every time Vin Diesel masturbates, god creates a kitten. 54 7.333
Circles exist because Vin Diesel beat the crap out of some squares. 76 7.329
As Vin Diesel approaches zero, zero runs like a little bitch. 77 7.325
If Vin Diesel fell in the forest, and no one was watching, it would sound like Beethoven's Ninth. If he fell in the forest, and someone was watching, he would beat that guy to a bloody pulp. But the screams of agony would still sound like Beethoven's Ninth. 62 7.323
Vin Diesel sunk the Titanic in hopes of making the movie end sooner. 41 7.293
Vin Diesel plays Minesweeper with real mines. 59 7.288
In 2005, Vin Diesel entered a Cannonball Contest at his neighborhood pool. The death toll is still rising. 57 7.281
Vin Diesel knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European). 65 7.277
When he was nine, Vin Diesel dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy. 58 7.276
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children. 57 7.263
Vin Diesel performed his own circumcision with a machete and a blow torch. 73 7.260
You are what you eat. If you're a Korean circus midget, you're also what Vin Diesel eats. 43 7.256
Vin Diesel coined the term "silent but deadly" when one of his farts took physical form and assassinated key political figures in the 12th century 48 7.250
Vin Diesel was disqualified from the 1994 Olympic Shotput Championship for reversing the polarity of Earth. 61 7.246
When Vin Diesel walks in the room, Tic-Tacs check if their breath is fresh. 29 7.241
Vin Diesel is a mathematical impossibility. 50 7.240
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him. 50 7.240
When People get hungry, they go to their refrigerators. When Vin Diesel gets hungry, he goes to an orphanage. 64 7.234
Vin Diesel is the SI unit used to measure fear. 48 7.229
Vin Diesel invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it. 60 7.217
Vin Diesel inspired the TV series "MacGyver" when he managed to construct a cell phone out of only the blood of his enemies' children, his pure hatred for the weak, and a cell phone. 56 7.214
Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock; the sun wears Vinblock. 52 7.212
The book "Wost Case Scenario," discusses ways to run from many different deadly animals. The page entitled "Running from Vin Diesel" simply says "Good luck." 53 7.208
Vin Diesel likes his emo kids sunny side up. 64 7.203
Napoleon lost the battle of Waterloo because he couldn't speak English, and Vin Diesel wouldn't lower himself to speaking French. 51 7.196
Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital. 65 7.185
When Vin Diesel plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on. 61 7.164
Vin Diesel once talked an Amish housewife into buying a toaster. 62 7.161
Vin Diesel's personality was once described in an article as being "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun." In response to this, Vin invaded Poland. 46 7.152
Vin Diesel was about to destroy all of N*Sync, but stopped because he doesn't hurt women. 54 7.148
Vin Diesel solo'ed the beaches of Normandy on June 6, 1944. In his triumph they dubbed it D-Day. 43 7.140
Contrary to polular belief, Trix are also for Vin Diesel. 67 7.134
Vin Diesel can do push ups with both arms tied behind his back. 75 7.133
The concept of the Death Star from the Star Wars movies was born when George Lucas observed Vin Diesel staring into space causing several planets in the solar system to explode. 53 7.132
Vin Diesel's testicles are the only perfect spheres found in nature. 56 7.125
Vin Diesel is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand. 67 7.119
Vin Diesel is the only man to land at the bottom of a bottomless pit. 53 7.113
Vin Diesel is a vegetarian. Not because he loves animals, but because he hates vegetables. 64 7.094
Only once has Vin Diesel ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah. 67 7.090
Getting murdered by Vin Diesel counts as a natural cause of death. 52 7.077
Vin Diesel survived abortion. 26 7.077
Vin Diesel invented fear so people would know how to feel when he spoke to them. 50 7.060
Vin Diesel likes his coffee like he likes his women - Colombian and crushed into powder. 74 7.054







Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. 685 8.286
Chuck Norris can speak braille. 805 8.273
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 1901 8.243
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 819 8.239
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 818 8.232
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 1165 8.227
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. 788 8.216
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 906 8.189
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. 795 8.170
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". 653 8.159
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 520 8.140
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 654 8.086
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 556 8.052
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 532 7.951
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 570 7.804
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. 461 7.785
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 504 7.776
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 371 7.749
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 357 7.714
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. 432 7.692
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 405 7.691
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. 313 7.649
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 446 7.565
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. 461 7.553
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 389 7.545
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 421 7.544
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. 383 7.535
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. 375 7.515
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 464 7.485
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
475 7.472
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins. 331 7.468
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef. 439 7.417
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. 360 7.392
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister. 169 7.379
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. 458 7.376
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 375 7.371
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats. 392 7.370
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. 34 7.353
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. 339 7.351
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. 363 7.350
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 407 7.329
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up. 378 7.328
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. 396 7.285
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims. 369 7.263
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. 397 7.259
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. 369 7.257
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. 315 7.241
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." 419 7.222
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 386 7.220
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 333 7.213
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. 245 7.208
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is. 363 7.204
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. 386 7.192
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide. 343 7.184
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. 324 7.182
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet. 225 7.164
Chuck Norris can drown a fish. 214 7.159
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 338 7.157
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. 287 7.153
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil. 340 7.153
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery." 366 7.153
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. 276 7.145
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further. 70 7.143
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". 454 7.137
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. 343 7.128
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is. 339 7.127
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that. 128 7.078
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 319 7.072
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. 306 7.062
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please." 409 7.049
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. 318 7.041
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends". 180 7.039
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way. 133 7.030
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. 387 7.028
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. 393 7.023
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 382 7.010
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. 302 7.010
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. 333 6.967
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen. 359 6.950
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. 320 6.950
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 327 6.933
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. 355 6.932
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines. 390 6.915
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 319 6.912
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof. 298 6.896
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder. 75 6.893
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake. 319 6.893
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic. 354 6.881
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry. 340 6.859
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you." 248 6.855
ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment. 335 6.848
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris. 300 6.840
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech. 178 6.837
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned. 330 6.806
Vin Diesel can be re-arranged to say, "I end lives". Screw that; Chuck Norris can be re-arranged to say "Chuck Norris", Which means the same thing. 325 6.782
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef. 294 6.776
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says. 310 6.774
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life. 358 6.771
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it. 321 6.766
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal. 312 6.763

[jaffar]

declaratie de valentine

 i_love_you.jpg   54,07KB   47 downloads

[jaffar]

animated vs. animator

http://www.spikedhum...nimator_II.html

si primul:

http://www.spikedhum..._Animation.html

[masterblaster]

le stiam ...sunt geniale http://www.garajul.r...tyle_emoticons/default/010.gif....bun programatorul

[jaffar]

Bărbaţii sunt pur şi simplu nişte oameni mai fericiţi -- La ce să te aştepţi de la aşa nişte creaturi simple?

Numele tău de familie răm�ne neschimbat.
Garajul este al tău pe de-a-ntregul.
Planurile de nuntă se rezolvă de la sine.
Ciocolata este doar o altă gustare.
Poţi să devii preşedinte.
Niciodată nu poţi să fii gravid.
Poţi purta un tricou alb �ntr-un parc acvatic.
Poţi SĂ NU porţi nici un tricou �ntr-un parc acvatic.
Mecanicii de automobile �ţi spun adevărul.
Lumea �ntreagă este toaleta ta. Niciodată nu trebuie să conduci p�nă la o altă staţie de benzină ca să cauţi o toaletă deoarece aceasta �n care eşti este prea sc�rboasă.
Nu trebuie să te opreşti să te g�ndeşti �nspre ce parte trebuie să �nv�rţi o piuliţă sau un şurub.
Acelaşi loc de muncă, salar mai mare.
Ridurile adaugă caracter.
Rochia de mireasă - $5000. �nchirierea unui frac - $100.
Oamenii nu se holbează niciodată la pieptul tău atunci c�nd vorbeşti cu ei.
De la tine se aşteaptă practic să mai scapi ocazional "c�te un sunet" bine armonizat...
Pantofii noi nu taie, jenează sau mutilează piciorul.
O singură dispoziţie sufletească mereu.
Conversaţiile telefonice se termină �n exact 30 de secunde.
Ştii tot felul de lucruri despre tancuri.
O vacanţă de cinci zile necesită o singură valiză.
Poţi să-ţi deschizi toate borcanele.
Eşti copleşit cu laude pentru cel mai mic act de g�ndire.
Dacă cineva uită să te invite, el sau ea mai poate �ncă fi prietenul tău.
Lenjeria intimă costă $8.95 trei perechi.
Trei perechi de pantofi sunt mai mult dec�t suficiente.
Nu ai aproape niciodată probleme cu cureluşa de pantof �n public.
Nu eşti capabil să vezi cute pe hainele tale.
Totul de pe faţa ta răm�ne �n culoarea originală.
Aceaşi freză ţine ani de zile, poate chiar decade.
Trebuie să-ţi razi doar faţa şi g�tul.
Te poţi juca cu jucării toată viaţa ta.
Burta de obicei �ţi ascunde şoldurile mari.
Un portofel şi o pereche de pantofi de o singură culoare pentru toate sezoanele.
Poţi purta pantaloni scurţi, indiferent de cum �ţi arată picioarele.
Poţi să-ţi "faci" unghiile cu un briceag.
Ai libera alegere privitor la a-ţi lăsa mustaţă...
Poţi să faci cumpărăturile de Crăciun pentru 25 de rude �n ziua de 24
decembrie �n 25 de minute.

Nu-i de mirare că bărbaţii sunt mai fericiţi.

[Cristian]

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!